Cinemanic Reviews

Shark Night

Bottom Line: Ouch. So abominable, it’s got to be more painful than even a shark bite.

“You know, the cameras we use are the same ones they used for March of the Penguins. You know what would be funny? To hear Morgan Freeman do a voice-over of you getting your head torn off by that beautiful animal over there.” –Chris Carmack as Dennis Crim

Directed by: David R. Ellis
Starring: Chris Carmack, Dustin Milligan, Sara Paxton

I found that quote odd, as well, to appear in a horror movie without the comedy billing. It’s pretty bad when a 90-minute movie feels like a three-hour drag-on. It’s even worse when this is what is chosen to be the best part of the movie, after heavy analysis of every other horrendously awful aspect. Whether or not it’s what we would expect from the “shark attack” horror theme that has become not only clichéd but rare, that’s exactly the case with SHARK NIGHT.

The plot in SHARK NIGHT is oversimplified at best. The only differences between this and the oft-ripped-off (particularly in this film) JAWS, honestly, are the fact that this revolves around seven arrogant, asinine college undergraduates, rather than three grown men who are aware that they are dealing with a shark (come on, you nimrods!! Your friend just got slaughtered like an ant!!! Are you going to get out of the water and save yourselves!?!); the fact that the musical brilliance of John Williams was replaced by a confusingly-placed, oddly upbeat rock soundtrack; the lack of a good, suspenseful plot; the addition of new technology; and the fact that this film is just plain stupid. Not to mention, SHARK NIGHT won’t get your heart beating, but it’ll give your eyes a workout from all the rolling they’ll be doing.

The title is misleading, and in fact, it makes absolutely no sense. Over half the film is set in broad daylight. Furthermore, this was released theatrically as SHARK NIGHT 3D, and thus released in both RealD and Digital 3-D. Again with the marketing, film distributors. Relax. Nowadays we tend to love going to bad movies, so your movie will do fine at the box office without the additional 3-D. I can’t imagine one moment of this movie looking any better in 3-D. Maybe the title sequence…which was the most flummoxing scene out of the entire picture.

It would be extremely generous to say anything truly nice about SHARK NIGHT. It sure does love to prove itself the next one to spit on the face of JAWS. That horror masterpiece used the occasional perspective shots, so that we saw from a lower aquatic view what the humans looked like to the shark. They try that in SHARK NIGHT. In fact, they try it too often, and with a shaky camera that isn’t far enough away from the victim, the effect never works. It grows borings through the excruciating overuse. In almost every respect, this movie is utterly terrible. Never does it succeed at scaring an audience, but it always works with boring us to tears and drawing massive, unintentional laughter.