Monday Movies of the Mind #14

American Ugly

The Idea: a rather uplifting parody of American Beauty

The Tagline: “Look closer…if you wish to vomit.”

The Plot: Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) believes he is going to die. His wife hates him, as does his estranged daughter. But when he meets his daughter’s best friend–a modern-day Medusa–while volunteering at a meth rehab, he learns to appreciate the two of them.

Last Lines: “Your life flashes before your eyes rather slowly…oh, no, that’s not good now. Here comes the last few weeks of my life. Torture.”

Monday Movies of the Mind #13

TOMORROW, A SPUR OF THE MOMENT PULP FICTION REVIEW…APRIL FOOLS!

Jason and the Fargonauts

The Idea: a “sort-of sequel” to Fargo

The Tagline: “We’re back, yahh.”

The Plot: Marge Gunderson is back! And now she’s on a ship, tracking a man named Jason, his wife Medea, and their crew–a team that calls itself the “Fargonauts”–as they sail their way across the nonexistent seas of Fargo, North Dakota.

Last Lines: “And that was your accomplice in the shipwreck. A little bitta money, yahh.”

Monday Movies of the Mind #12

Harry Potter and the Sudden Epiphany

The Idea: a supposed eighth entry in the “Harry Potter” canon (following the epilogue in 2011′s Deathly Hallows – Part 2)

The Tagline: “Bloody hell, Harry! You’ve got no life!”

The Plot: Harry’s first-born son (James Sirius Potter) has just finished his seventh year at Hogwarts. To congratulate him, Harry has planned to give him the Elder Wand, the most powerful in the Wizarding World–but (SPOILERS OF FILM SERIES AHEAD) realizes he had idiotically snapped it in half and thrown it over a bridge at the end of his own seventh year. Harry goes into a nervous breakdown thereafter, blaming every action he ever committed on his own asininity.

Last Lines:
Harry Potter: (pointing his son’s wand at himself) “Avada kedavra!”

Monday Movies of the Mind #11

Day Eight of the Two-Week Torturefest

Stupid Movie

The Idea: the creators of Scary Movie join forces with those of Superhero Movie and parody each others’ lack of talent

The Tagline: “No intelligence. No new stuff. No sequel. Well, maybe…”

The Plot: The Trojans vs. the serial killers. It’s that simple.

Last Lines:
- Idiotman (whom I so brilliantly created, as well): “Your movie didn’t scare me at all.”
- MC Killer (ditto): “I wanted to kill myself after watchin’ yo’ movie, and you did nothin’ to save me!”

TOMORROW, ON TORTUREFEST…

The Last Airbender – so why is there an open door for a sequel?

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Monday Movies of the Mind #10

Day One of the Two-Week Torturefest

Jason Voorhees and the Bloody Grail

The Idea: a mashup between Friday the 13th and Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The Tagline: “Always look on the bright side of death.” (yes, I know, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” is from Monty Python’s Life of Brian)

The Plot: Masked killer Jason Voorhees gets bored of Camp Crystal Lake and begins attacking his next betrayers. This is England, specifically the comedy troupe Monty Python. Jason, we are told, grew up in a family that loved Monty Python; whenever the family would watch Flying Circus or any of the “bad boys’” filmography, poor four-year-old Jason was subjected to repeated uproars of laughter, which led to chronic migraines in his undead years.

Last Lines:
- John Cleese (surrounded by several human cadavers): “Ha! I’m not dead yet!”
- Jason Voorhees (appearing out from the shadows): “You will be soon.”

TOMORROW, ON TORTUREFEST…

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – NEVER.

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Monday Movies of the Mind #9

Eternal Sunshine of the Obsessive-Compulsive Mind

The Idea: prequel to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The Tagline: “Her mind was harder to clear.”

The Plot: Before Jim Carrey cleared his memory of Kate Winslet, she erased hers of him; and so begins Eternal Sunshine of the Obsessive-Compulsive Mind, the search for new technology (and a much longer running time) when the scientists conducting the experiment discover she has severe OCD, and cannot stop thinking about him.

Last Lines: “What’s that on my head? It feels…nice.”

Monday Movies of the Mind #8

National Lampoon’s Guantanamo Bay Vacation

The Idea: a fifth entry in the National Lampoon’s Vacation canon

The Tagline: “You thought summer/Europe/Christmas/Vegas with the Griswolds was chaotic?”

The Plot: Two or three decades after visiting Las Vegas, Clark Griswold is a grandfather. In his stupidity, however, he has accidentally killed off half his grandchildren and is currently being held in court. His sentence is at Guantanamo Bay, and eventually, he is joined by his wife, kids, and grandkids.

Last Lines: “You know what we should call this? Griswold family incarceration.”

Monday Movies of the Mind #7

Interception

The Idea: a sequel to Inception

The Tagline: “If you knew it was the sequel to Inception, you wouldn’t give it a ‘pass’!”

The Plot: After deciphering the meaning of dreams, Cobb (DiCaprio) is found managing a local football team. There he is working on another innovation: a ball within a ball within a ball. The problem is that if intercepted, the ball will make everyone on the team have epileptic seizures, due to being confused by the concept of nesting footballs inside each other like Russian dolls.

Last Lines: “Coach Cobb, if I spin the ball on my index finger, will it just keep spinning and never stop?”

Monday Movies of the Mind #6

Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot

The Idea: a film that parallels Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

The Tagline: “It’s time for daddy’s little valley girl to take a shot.”

The Plot: A thirty-year-old prima donna is living a deadbeat until suddenly, her father hires her as a police officer. She, however, wants control of the job and puts her 55-year-old father at risk of a nervous breakdown. Will he recover from having to deal with the high maintenance child all over again? Will he slap her in the face and enforce corporal punishment, just as he did when she was a young child?

Last Lines: “Stop! My daddy shot himself!”

Monday Movies of the Mind #5

Paranormal Ancestry

The Idea: somewhere between entries five and nine in the Paranormal Activity series

The Tagline: “It’s been around for longer than you thought!”

The Plot: Katie is perusing ancestry.com when she suddenly discovers a photo of her great-great-great-grandmother, Queen Victoria. The picture is heavily distorted, and she presumes it is because her family has a long history of being possessed.

Last Lines: (black and white title) “Katie later discovered that her possession traces back as far as earth’s own origins, and is actually no more than early onset dementia.”